Monday, September 13, 2010

In the beginning...

I'm sure I'm not the first person to use that phrase for something like this. No matter. I've made up my mind that I'm not going to use this to try and do anything unique or special. If it turns out that way, superb. If not, oh well.

I'm at a point in life when I fear for my future. I'm not in school this semester, which is probably the greatest upset to my life at the moment. The classroom is truly the one place I feel at home, and relaxed. This past summer has been a monumental disruption to the way my life was, and the way I'd hoped it would be. It began well enough, great, in fact. I had enrolled for several summer courses to speed along my graduation (four years in the making, at a community college). Plus, I'd landed a job, granted, nothing glamorous our especially pride-inducing. For me, however, it meant a lot.

Now, I'm jobless (and, naturally, broke), not in school, and struggling with my health again. The midpoint of summer came with the revelation that i may have entered into chronic rejection. Not a death sentence- yet. I may still, and hopefully do, have several years before it progresses to the point of death. But, it saddens me that I'm now spending my days sitting on my ass, playing World of Warcraft, struggling to do any writing (it's vastly discouraging knowing that were I to do any writing, I'd more than likely not receive any money for it).

I feel useless, and like a great burden to my family, and most of all my girlfriend. She doubts how smart she is (though she's smarter than she thinks), but even if she were right, at least she has the dignity of knowing she is working. I feel as if I'm under constant judgment, maybe it exists online in my mind, but I feel it, nonetheless. I fear that even if I do begin writing and being published, I will still be looked down upon.

I'm tired of my life. I may have only a few years left (I'm nearly two years out from a bi-lateral lung transplant). I'm overly medicated. Aside from the medications I have to take to sustain my immuno-suppression, I'm on a pill for depression, social anxiety, and one to help me sleep (zolpidem); oh! And now also oxycodone for arthritis pain (I can't take ibuprofen or naproxen because of my transplant).

I've created this because of the advice of a friend and former teacher, who suggested I blog so as to provide a reference point for prospective publishers who may want to see an example of my writing.

I hope that this represents a shift in the direction of my life. Even if I don't get published, maybe it will at least be a welcome catharsis.

I intend to use this as a means to present political opinions, maybe news stories that have no other means of being published, book reviews, film reviews, television reviews (of the few TV shows I actually partake of). And anything else I may want to spout off about.

2 comments:

  1. Cooper,

    The one thing you definitely are not, is a burden to your family. You have been a joy to all of us, and to see the man you've turned out to be, has far exceeded anything I ever dreamed when you were a youngster. You, My Son, are an inspiration to many, not the least of which is me. If I could only come close to being the smart, intellectual and handsome person you've become. I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!

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  2. Joshua,
    you're dad is correct!
    Burden is NOT what I think of when I think of You...I see your incredible intelligence,your truly amazing ability to so eloquently put into words and on paper what you're thinking and feeling....and what your readers get is something that is truly an exceptional article to read, you truly have a gift for writing.

    I see how you care about your world and people and whats going on with them, and although we may disagree sometimes,you also have an amazing gift for debate,which I absolutely adore having with you,( and aunt Cari told me she does too).

    Your sense of humor is unmatched, I can have the most abhorring day, come home and with a few words from You,be instantly lifted from that mood just by your humor and your laughter.

    I could go on and on but I won't, just please know that you are in no way shape or form a burden...you and your Brother are my joy,
    you two are not just my Sons,I consider you also my friends.

    Josh,you are a truly amazing young man, whom I want more than life to see grow into an amazing OLD man and
    whether you see it or not, you have more value than you could ever imagine!!!!
    PLEASE don't give up sweetheart, I love you more than you will ever realize.

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